Paris Likely to Develop Plague Epidemic, New Findings Show
We at London General Hospital are absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent committed to preparing Western Europe for the worst. Since the very last epidemic of bubonic plague ended in 1666, we've defended London with a vigour unparalleled by none save Harry Potter himself. And so when Paris started smelling rank from across the English Channel, we put a team together to investigate.
What was causing this great divide of health in between two great European capitals? And, if so be said divide was significant, what could be done about it? These were the questions we were set to answer, and thus, we compiled a decent lot of undergraduate uni kids with which to test the City of Love. Healthy, unsuspecting, gullible... what more could we ask for? So, without the consent of the students but for the good of humanity, we bugged them with trackers to chart the influence staying in Paris had on our nation's best, yet most expendable, individuals.
On the first day of their excursion, the students visited the Louvre. Their displeasure with the crowds and cancerous air was evident; one student was recorded as saying "I'd louvre to leave this blasted place. I want rabies." The students then continued onwards towards any sort of food they could consume—and data trackers showed, that their sudden hunger and lack of energy was crippling evidence of a resurgence of the bubonic plague. "Dang," one researcher said.
Sam Hancock is shown outside the Louvre. Sadly, he had already doomed himself.
The following day showed the students being divided into half, with one group told to leave to the outer boundaries of Paris while the other was told to stay. The remaining group was the control, and the group which left was the controlled variable test group. Development of bubonic plague cells within the bodies of the students were compared to growth rates exhibited before the groups were separated, and the results were staggering—even though the test group had only been outside central Paris for a few hours, upon their return, growth rate had slowed by almost twenty two percent. The significance was backed up by insignificant rates of plague growth change found in the control group. This is speculated to be that the place which the test group visited, Versailles, was much more connected to nature rather than closer to central Paris, where dead rats, dirt, and other items generally perceived as disgusting litter metro stations.
Versailles, where students' plague growth rates fell significantly.
The groups were then reversed to see if anything changed, and by golly, did they change. Almost the exact same decreased rates of change were found in the new test group—although, the experiment was subject to fallibilities, such as when students spent time in a completely different part of Paris due to nobody knowing where they were going or how to use the metro. Easily acquired groups come at a few costs, though, eh?
Gardens at Versailles likely fought against the bubonic plague.
On the last day, we allowed the students to do as they wished, so as to gather as many individually representative cases as possible before their timely return (had they stayed another day, their weak immune systems would've collapsed). One case in particular was riveting: a man, known to his two friends as Sam, slept until two hours past his deadline and then spent the remaining part of his day at Burger King. Apparently, the lax food cleanliness laws in France can have an impact on young bodies—Sam was ruined, mentally, and will never be the same. "Oh well, that's life," remarked a research team member.
A sad picture taken by the mentally gone Sam of himself, in his hotel room in Paris.
And thus, we conclude that Paris is so dirty that it's swimming with the bubonic plague. Literal dirt on the streets, Burger King, and the French language proved to all be influencing factors in the plague's development. Our solution? For individuals, that's to leave Paris, and go back to London. Sam's gained one or two IQ points back, which is better than dying of the plague. For Paris itself, it's to get stricter on cleanliness laws, change the width of all the streets entirely, plant a lot more trees, speak English, do something, anything with the homeless, and fix their Burger Kings.
The Eiffel Tower is speculated to be a radio tower emitting illness.
This phrase, found on the River Seine, translated to Bubonic Plague.
One unfortunate student got plague in her eyes.
Local children have developed a degree of immunity; it's unknown how long it'll last.
Hoche stands at attention, ready to slay some plague. Unfortunately, he's inanimate.
Chivalrous Taylor Soper holds an umbrella over Harlee Hunsaker's head, as liquid plague falls from the sky in the form of acid rain.
What was causing this great divide of health in between two great European capitals? And, if so be said divide was significant, what could be done about it? These were the questions we were set to answer, and thus, we compiled a decent lot of undergraduate uni kids with which to test the City of Love. Healthy, unsuspecting, gullible... what more could we ask for? So, without the consent of the students but for the good of humanity, we bugged them with trackers to chart the influence staying in Paris had on our nation's best, yet most expendable, individuals.
On the first day of their excursion, the students visited the Louvre. Their displeasure with the crowds and cancerous air was evident; one student was recorded as saying "I'd louvre to leave this blasted place. I want rabies." The students then continued onwards towards any sort of food they could consume—and data trackers showed, that their sudden hunger and lack of energy was crippling evidence of a resurgence of the bubonic plague. "Dang," one researcher said.
Sam Hancock is shown outside the Louvre. Sadly, he had already doomed himself.
The following day showed the students being divided into half, with one group told to leave to the outer boundaries of Paris while the other was told to stay. The remaining group was the control, and the group which left was the controlled variable test group. Development of bubonic plague cells within the bodies of the students were compared to growth rates exhibited before the groups were separated, and the results were staggering—even though the test group had only been outside central Paris for a few hours, upon their return, growth rate had slowed by almost twenty two percent. The significance was backed up by insignificant rates of plague growth change found in the control group. This is speculated to be that the place which the test group visited, Versailles, was much more connected to nature rather than closer to central Paris, where dead rats, dirt, and other items generally perceived as disgusting litter metro stations.
Versailles, where students' plague growth rates fell significantly.
The groups were then reversed to see if anything changed, and by golly, did they change. Almost the exact same decreased rates of change were found in the new test group—although, the experiment was subject to fallibilities, such as when students spent time in a completely different part of Paris due to nobody knowing where they were going or how to use the metro. Easily acquired groups come at a few costs, though, eh?
Gardens at Versailles likely fought against the bubonic plague.
On the last day, we allowed the students to do as they wished, so as to gather as many individually representative cases as possible before their timely return (had they stayed another day, their weak immune systems would've collapsed). One case in particular was riveting: a man, known to his two friends as Sam, slept until two hours past his deadline and then spent the remaining part of his day at Burger King. Apparently, the lax food cleanliness laws in France can have an impact on young bodies—Sam was ruined, mentally, and will never be the same. "Oh well, that's life," remarked a research team member.
A sad picture taken by the mentally gone Sam of himself, in his hotel room in Paris.
And thus, we conclude that Paris is so dirty that it's swimming with the bubonic plague. Literal dirt on the streets, Burger King, and the French language proved to all be influencing factors in the plague's development. Our solution? For individuals, that's to leave Paris, and go back to London. Sam's gained one or two IQ points back, which is better than dying of the plague. For Paris itself, it's to get stricter on cleanliness laws, change the width of all the streets entirely, plant a lot more trees, speak English, do something, anything with the homeless, and fix their Burger Kings.
The Eiffel Tower is speculated to be a radio tower emitting illness.
This phrase, found on the River Seine, translated to Bubonic Plague.
One unfortunate student got plague in her eyes.
Local children have developed a degree of immunity; it's unknown how long it'll last.
Hoche stands at attention, ready to slay some plague. Unfortunately, he's inanimate.
Chivalrous Taylor Soper holds an umbrella over Harlee Hunsaker's head, as liquid plague falls from the sky in the form of acid rain.
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